After 4 to 5 time meeting up with him, I ask myself,
'Am I falling in love with this guy or he's just a sex toy-human satisfying my sexual desire? Do he feel the same way as mine?'
After 2 bad relationships I had in the past, I am very careful with what I feel now. Afraid and so protective to my feelings and trying to avoid encountering the same thing, I mean, the emotional experience I had with those two ass holes hit my life. So, I gave myself a time to think and focused on answering those questions regarding with that man and what I feel for him before meeting him again on the 6th time.
There's a big difference between Love and Lust. Not only on your own interpretation but also the definition of either words. Let's begin with Love, everyone knows about this word, but we all have the different interpretations/opinions about Love. We define or interpret it either the wrong way or the right way, the hurtful one or the Happiness, weakness or source of strength, but whatever idea you have in mind about love, we always end up with the idea of a person making you feel and interpret love in many different ways. Either crap or reasonable one. How about Lust? same as love(in terms of how we define it and I'm NOT saying they're both the same in meaning), we define it in many ways, maybe, in terms of power, life, sex or any other things. But in this case, it's obviously the-lust-in-terms-of-sex. So, this is the time I asked the help of Mr. Dictionary. In addition from what I know, Mr. Dictionary told me that Lust is an intense sexual desire or appetite or uncontrolled or illicit sexual desire and also a passionate or overmastering desire or craving. A SEXy definition, indeed. :)
One Wednesday night, when I was trying to catch my sleep but couldn't get it, the question-that-I-cant-answer, the Love or Lust thing, I had in my mind hit my head again. So, I decided to squeeze my brain to answer it before meeting him the coming Saturday night that time. After hours of thinking, I still can't find a reasonable and unbiased answer. So I switched on the radio and listen to the music and wait till I get to sleep.
After a half an hour of tuning in to the radio at exactly 3:am, I realized, I forgot to ask my heart and what it feels about it. So, I asked myself again but this time using my heart and brain, 'Is it Love or Lust?'
I found the answer, Finally! And it's both! A little SEXy but passionate feeling towards him. I have this sexual desire for him BUT ON TOP OF THAT I LOVE HIM without a doubt not only for sexual reason but also for what he really is for me. :)
